I always take my annual retreat reflections seriously.
On retreat this summer in Durham, I was deep in thought one day, walking along the riverside path, that almost encircles Durham Cathedral where my 'spiritual', Spiritual Directors are both buried - St Cuthbert and St Bede. The Holy Spirit brought my attention to a time when I last lived in London and had visited the Catholic festival in Leicester Square: 'Spirit in the City'.
During that experience I met a Charismatic Catholic, who I asked to pray over me. Half way through he stopped, looked me in the eye and said I belonged to Gideon's 300.
Blimey.
I remember looking up at that point, on my Durham retreat walk and I saw that someone had written the word Happiness on a brick wall - so I could tell The Holy Spirit was reminding me about this for a reason.
Gideon, as we know from the Bible, was the least likely person to be called by God for a special service. Even he knew he was unworthy and asked God for some sign of confirmation. God duly obliged and provided one. But even then Gideon just couldn't believe it and asked for another one!... and God, again, in His great kindness provided it.
Gideon finally accepted his vocation call and led an army into battle over one of God's enemy's and won - but not a victory that could be attributed to Gideon's army size or fighting skill but a victory gained because Gideon did what God told him to do with his paltry 300 men: to encircle the enemy and just at the right moment, each light a burning torch, smash a pottery jar and shout out loud, "For the Lord"!....
...In other words... God uses Whistleblowers in spiritual warfare. And has always done so.
We only have to look to St John the Baptist for that...
And what a prefiguration that all turned out to be for me, a few years later. I joined that monastic congregation, as an Aspirant, after my Rosary turned grey during Pope Francis 100th anniversary Mass in Portugal 2017,, to celebrate the first apparition of Our Lady of Fatima.
Once in the monastery I progressed through the Postulancy stage and onto my 'clothing' as a Novice on Palm Sunday. Overall, I spent time in two different monasteries, working in the Laundry, kitchen, cleaning, garden, vestry, chicken coup, infirmary and the choir as First Chantress. In total, I was a Lay member for nearly 3 years.
Turns out that after I left the congregation in 2020 and raised safeguarding alerts with Galloway Diocese, myself and all the other ex-congregation Nuns, who flooded the Galloway Diocese safeguarding office with their consistent spiritual abuse testimonies, spanning decades, seemed to have had a bit of a Gideon's 300 effect on this abuser Nun and monastic congregation.
For the first time in their history, this monastic congregation had to back down, sign up and comply with the Catholic Church Diocese and Independent Safeguarding policy and monitoring - otherwise they would have faced admission sanctions.
God is Genius.
Even all the post congregation abuse I had to endure, turned out to be a positive because all that evidence in the hands of Fr Hans Zollner finally ended the reign of influence of this evidence based serial spiritual abuser Nun - not just in her own monastic congregation but in the Church itself - even her far right loyalists.
This abuser Nun was never actually, physically retired out of the congregation but she was effectively, in terms of continued influence - removed in all but name.
Job done.
Anyway... when I left that monastic congregation, I spent 3 years seriously discerning what was God's Will for me next. All of which I have recorded in my previous blogs.
In a nutshell, here's a quick recap:
When I was a Novice I found a statue of my London parish, Our Lady of Muswell in the Novice classroom.
When I was a Novice I found a novena to Our Lady of Muswell in the Novice classroom - as I prayed it I felt The Holy Spirit prompt me that it was God's Will to fully restore Our Lady of Muswell's ancient Holy Well, Pilgrim Shrine and Benedictine Nun Priory - which had all be destroyed in the Reformation. I also felt God was trying to show me I had a role to play in all this.
After I left the monastery I tried to find a book written on Our Lady of Muswell. The first book I found was in Durham. Durham is a city based on the tomb of St Cuthbert - a monastic Benedictine who became a Solitary who lived on an Island.
The name of the Durham Uni Library book on Our Lady of Muswell was, "..an Island of Clerkenwell", as Muswell Hill in London had once been known because technically the land belonged to the Clerkenwell parish where the Benedictine Nun Motherhouse was.
The Durham Uni Library book on Our Lady of Muswell recorded how, at the point of the Reformation, the last Clerkenwell Motherhouse Prioress had tried to protect Our Lady of Muswell's outer London Holy Well, Pilgrim shrine and Benedictine Priory by handing the deeds over to a Lay Catholic who had worked in King Henry VIII's Housekeeping team, as a Cellarer. This canny move worked and Henry did not decimate the Our Lady of Muswell site in his first year of demonic Reformation rage, as he did with so many other Catholic places of worship, like Walsingham for example.
The Durham Uni Library book also recorded how Our Lady of Muswell's Holy Well had been protected and ancient Marian title honoured by a continuous, decades long, continuous stream, of faithfull Lay Catholic's, untill, thanks to Church laxity, the Holy Well was not protected by the Catholic Church and eventually built over by suburban development, the exact site still marked by a special plaque on No. 40 Muswell Rd.
Throughout my time, after I left the monastery, I kept opening my little book, on Pope Gregory's Dialogues on St Benedict, at the story of St Benedict warning a young seminarian not to take religious vows, as some sort of spiritual warfare. I took that as a clear and repeated prompts that it was God's will for me to take private Dedicated vows as a Lay Catholic vocation
After I left the monastery, it also seemed to be God's Will for me to keep praying St Benedict's monastic Divine Office, which by God's Grace, I managed to do every day, even whilst holding down a full time cleaners job in a local Care Home and having to deal with the Church safeguarding case and all that post congregation spiritual abuse.
So....... then what?
Well, 3 years after leaving that monastic order, it really did seem like the Holy Spirit was showing me that God's Will for my vocation was to be a privately Dedicated Lay Benedictine Solitary, back in Muswell Hill, following St Benedict's 'Ora et Labora' spirituality of balancing my monastic Divine Office prayers, with a life of manual labour/minimum wage jobs - as a 'seed' for God's plan to totally restore Our Lady of Muswell's ancient Holy Well, Pilgrim Shrine and Benedictine Priory of Nuns.
but just like Gideon, I asked God for a second confirmation sign....
and boy o boy, didn't God just blow my socks off!....
Now, originally, I had planned to work up in Scotland until the date of my 3rd year anniversary of leaving the monastery, 7th Dec. Then I planned to take a months retreat with the Jericho Benedictines, in Girvan, to give me time to find work and accomodation back in Muswell Hill, London and aim to move down in Feb 2024...
...but God had other plans....
Et Labora
Normally the process for getting and starting any new job can be a bit drawn out... interviews, getting references / DSB police checks / finding new accommodation & relocating to London etc etc.
But, on the Feast day of St Margaret Mary Alacoque, 16th October 2023, whilst still living and working in Scotland, I received a very quick & direct email reply from one of the jobs I'd applied to on-line, asking me to come for an interview asap. Despite getting Covid the week before the interview, I made it to the rescheduled London date and got offered the job right there at the end of the interview. Most miraculously they were happy to offer me an 11 - 7pm shift, so I could go to daily Mass at Our Lady of Muswell parish Church.
To me that was a direct Divine confirmation of my vocation, just as it had been revealed to me. And it meant that I could celebrate my 3rd year anniversary back in Our Lady of Muswell parish - the reason for finding that statue of Our Lady of Muswell in that Novice classroom all making sense... what are the odds of that?
Accommodation
I was due to start work first week December, 2023, pending being able to find London accomodation. But at the start of November I had a call from my new boss asking me to start on the 13th November. Because this job allowed me to go to daily Mass at Our Lady of Muswell parish - I just replied 'Yes' even though I had no London accommodation sorted yet and had no annual leave left to take, before leaving my Scotland job, to sort any London accommodation before the 13th Nov!
I just gave it all to God...
After packing / donating my belongings to charity, in the evenings after work, I finished my last working day in Scotland on Friday, 10th November and carrying my single backpack, went straight to the station, got the overnight train from Glasgow to London, stayed at a Muswell Hill BnB, viewed my first Muswell Hill rental accommodation on Saturday 11th Nov, accepted it/paid my deposit & rent/got the keys/moved in, returned to Our Lady of Muswell parish on the Saturday & Sunday Masses and started my new job on Monday 13th November. Talk about a Holy Spirit whirlwind!
Anyway, God is not a cruel God. The point of all that was for God to make sure He was in charge of where I lived in Muswell Hill.... and it is SO romantic, poetic and a massive 'Gideon's' confirmation of my vocation.
Ok, so obviously I'm not going to give you my exact address but I will give you some local area details, just so I can explain how miraculous everything is.
Firstly, lets do a little recap...
Do you remember that the Benedictine monastery Motherhouse, of the Muswell Hill Priory was in central London, Clerkenwell? Well, amazingly, it is possible to see what the layout of that ancient monastery once was...
Here you can see that the the layout of the modern day London roads, in this part of Clerkenwell seems to echo & reflect the footprint of the original Motherhouse Enclosure walls.
Now, lets take a look at Muswell Hill... is it possible to do the same?
Remember when the modern day parish Church of Our Lady of Muswell was being built? Builders found a beheaded statue of Our Lady of Muswell when they were digging the foundations? This is why it is believed that the site of the twelfth century Benedictine Priory of Nuns, was actually exactly where the modern day parish Church of Our Lady of Muswell stands! So lets look at a Google map of this part of Muswell Hill to see if there is any resemblance to a monastery layout, as we saw with the historic Motherhouse in Clerkenwell?
Our Lady of Muswell Roman Catholic Church - Google Maps To me it looks kind of similar to the Clerkenwell convent layput/shape? It looks like the modern day roads of Colney Hatch Lane, Pages Lane, Tetherdown Rd and Queens Ave, are marking the possible twelfth century boundary lines of the original Our Lady of Muwell Benedictine Priory's outer Enclosure wall!
What do you think? So... how is all this information related to my unexpected whirlwind Muswell Hill London accommodation find? Without giving my exact address away it turns out that by Divine Providence alone, and not as a result of any deliberate planning on my part, I may well be living on land that was once inside the twelfth century Benedictine Priory monastery Enclosure wall! What are the odds of that? ...talk about a miraculous 'Gideon's' vocation confirmation!
Am I a little seed for God's future plan to restore Our Lady of Muswell's 12th C Holy Well, Pilgrim Shrine and Benedictine Priory with Nuns?
This discernment confirmation was really important to me because I really felt the Holy Spirit had indicated this to me when I was a Novice, NO-ONE believed me, the congregation I left accused me of only joining them for a bit so I could go off and set this up by myself and because this congregation were SO afraid that any of their ex-Nuns/members who were their spiritual abuse survivors, would come together to re-found this Muswell Benedictine order and then belong to the wider UK/world Benedictine community.... because that abuser Nun was SO afraid of all this, it meant that apart from seeking revenge against me as a safeguarding abuse whistleblower, I believe that this abuser Nun and her Church allies went into full 'all out war' mode against me, in order to get m 'written off' in Church circles, using lot of different methods to do this - all of them examples of complete diabolic abuses of power.
Anyway.... like I've said before, legally I can't go into details about the depravity of all that the post congregation abuse stuff I lived through, for the last 3 years but it is proof to me that God's Grace is REAL and bigger than any evil you may encounter in this world. God bless Fr Hans Zollner because he was the only one who helped me and he did a great job.
So.... Anyway, like I said, I really wanted God to give me one more confirmation that my vocation involved being used by God as a little seed for Our Lady of Muswell.... or not?
...and the answer seems to be a great big 'Yes'!
It appears that it really is God's Will for me to be little privately dedicated, Lay Benedictine seed for God's plan to fully restore Our Lady of Muswell's 12th C Holy Well, Pilgrim Shrine and Benedictine priory of Nuns, so that Our Lady may be Honoured again under this ancient Marian title.
What's my evidence?
Well, you remember we were just speaking about the modern day roads in Muswell Hill that may mark the 12th C, outer Priory Enclosure wall of Our Lady of Muswell's Benedictine Priory? Right? Well, in God's wisdom and by Divine Providence one of these Enclosure walls has been made to stand out a bit.
What?
Pages Lane
Pages Lane seems to run along / to mark, what may have been the northern Enclosure wall of Our Lady of Muswell's, 12th C Benedictine Priory.
Now, in any monastery or indeed any garden, the north wall is important because the soil bedding patch at its base will be the most protected south facing aspect in the garden and therefore, will be blessed with the greatest intensity and length of exposure, to the Sun.
I live in that bedding patch.
Turns out, I am a seed in a very well establish Catholic bedding patch, that runs along the entire length of Pages Lanes and has been used, for centuries, by God to keep the flame of Our Lady of Muswell's 12th C Holy Well, Pilgrim Shrine, Benedictine monastic Priory, ancient Marian Title and Catholic Faith alive.
Don't believe me?
Well, you better make yourself a cup of tea and then sit down and come on a virtual Catholic History walk, along Pages Lanes with me...
Let's start at the eastern end of Pages Lane...
North Bank
Please watch this incredible Youtube mini documentary about North Bank House:
In brief this Victorian Villa was inherited, in a Will, by one of it's servants who was married a Dublin Catholic woman called Mary Rock. When Mistress of this property Mary Rock converted the attic into a secret Catholic Chapel, that could be used as an 'underground' Catholic Church for the celebration of Holy Mass, as the London Faithfull, at that time were not able to openly practice their Catholic Faith. The original hand decorated Catholic motif's on the walls survived - it was the letters A and M, for 'Ave Maria' and a painted red Sacred Heart. Maybe because of this Mary Rock experienced her fair share of spiritual warfare too - but wonderfully never lost her Catholic Faith.
Madam Uzielli's Almshouses
Half way down Pages Lane, something I didn't know about before I started researching for this blog, were Almshouses, built for the care of five Poor persons, by a Catholic woman called Madam Uzielli, who also reportedly had her own private Oratory, presumably with the Blessed Sacrament Reserved in a Tabernacle?
This really marks a stamp of Divine intervention authenticity for me...
...something my spiritual abuse experience has really taught me that if I see a Catholic Lay or religious organisation/order or even just an individual Catholic lay or religious person who seems so Holy and Pious inside a Church/Chapel but outside of this, is clearly reluctant to engage with, roll up their sleeves to practically help and sincerely befriend someone in need / a vulnerable person / a potentially challenging person - then the Truth of Jesus does not really fully exist there / with them.
The fact that Madam Uzielli's Almshouses once existed on Pages Lanes along side Mary Rocks attic Masses shows me that the fullness of God's Holy Spirit was working here.
Third Order Carmelites St Martin Tours Convent
Next along from the historical site of Madame Uzielli's Almshouse we find in the early 1900's a Convent School building belonging to some exiled Third Order Carmelite Nuns, who's original French Motherhouse had been in an ex-Benedictine monastery.
I found lots of information about these Carmelite Nuns in the Durham Uni library book about the history of Our Lady of Muswell's ancient Shrine.
Please see web link for my other blog:
...but just to briefly recap, these Carmelites opened a school in the early 1900's and with support from a Catholic parish Priest from East Finchley, converted their school hall every Sunday so that local Muswell Catholic had their own local Mass. Within 15 years of this local Eucharistic seed being planted the parish of Our Lady of Muswell was resurrected and a simple, temporary building funded, now the modern day parish Church Hall, untill the final Catholic Parish Church of Our Lady of Muswell could be funded, built in 1939 and finally Consecrated in 1959, on my birthday, of all days, 23rd September almost 60 years after the seed of the Muswell Carmelites arrived.
God's ways are not man's ways. God does things in His own time frame, according to the Divine Will and Plan.
Summary
So... everything The Holy Spirit showed me about God's Will for my vocation, over those last 3 years in the 'wilderness' discerning have all come true.
It really is God's Will for me to be a privately Dedicated, Lay Benedictine Solitary, of Our Lady of Muswell, with a daily life centered around daily Mass at Our Lady of Muswell parish shrine, St Benedict's monastic Divine Office in my Solicitude or in OLM parish shrine and working a humble manual labour/minimum wage job, with a normal, Catholic, Jesus centred Lay life - all of which can be used by God as an offering for His plans to resurrect Our Lady of Muswell's 12th C Holy Well, Pilgrim Shrine, Benedictine Nun's Order, potentially with a Perpetual Eucharistic Adoration Charism and Priory - so that The Blessed Virgin Mary can be Honoured once more, under her ancient Marian title of Our Lady of Muswell!
...There will be plenty of trials, tribulations and spiritual warfare along the way in my vocation - as I'm sure there have been for all the 'seeds' in God planted and used in His Catholic, Pages Lanes, North Enclosure Wall, Our Lady of Muswell bedding patch...
...but I will always know that I am now officially, spiritually, a 'south facing' seed, with maximum exposure to the life giving Grace, protection and Loving warmth of The Son. Ave Maria!
Our Lady of Muswell, thank you!
Jesus I Trust in You!
Revelation 22:4-5
"They will see his face, and his name will be on their foreheads. There will be no more night. They will not need the light of a lamp or the light of the sun, for the Lord God will give them light. And they will reign for ever and ever."
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