Solemnity of The Assumption, 15th August, 2023
I've been given my vocation mission, I've made Private Dedication vows of Poverty, Chasity, Obedience to the Pope, Stability and Conversion of Life. 15th August 2023, marked my second year anniversary, so I renewed my vows after receiving The Eucharist at Holy Mass.
I was SOOO romantic.
After a wonderfull morning Adoration, Terce, Rosary and Mass over at St Godic's with Br John, from the local Franciscan Friars, I headed once again to Durham Universities Bill Bryson library, to my favourite desk overlooking the Chemistry dept, here once again I've come to study a very speacial book.
The book is called "Notes from an Island of Clerkenwell", by Connolly and Bloom, published in 1933.
I call it my wee, blue, miracle book.
It's a miracle book first of all, because it even exists. Originally belonging to the Central Catholic Library in London, it and the entire London collection, had to be transferred up to Durham Uni, for safety reasons following a serious mould problem in the London library.
Even then, only 5% of the transferred London collection was accessible to the public in Durham, and this wee blue miracle book was one of them. The first book I could find, in my post monastic vocation discernment, about the 12th C Holy Well, Pilgrim Shrine and Benedictine Nuns of Our Lady of Muswell.
I looked to Our Lady of Muswell for post monastic vocation discernment inspiration, because Our Lady of Muswell was the parish I belonged to when my Miraculous Medal Chaple Rosary turned grey during Pope Francis 2017 100th anniversary Mass and I received my vocation call - only to find an actual statue and Novena of Our Lady of Muswell, in the Novice classroom and finding out that Chaplain of the monastery I was transferred to, and felt the Holy Spirit guide me to leave from, had once been a Deacon in Our Lady of Muswell parish.
With odds like that you know God's trying to catch your attention.
So... what's happened with my vocation discernment since last years 2022 retreat? Has The Holy Spirit given me any further confirmations?
Yes.
The answer to that is, definitely YES.
Just to make sure I got the message, that it was God's Will for me to be a Lay Benedictine Solitary of Our Lady of Muswell, as a seed for the future restoration of the Holy Well, Pilgrim shrine and Benedictine order of Nuns - The Holy Spirit blessed me with really wonderfull confirmation Fruits.
First up - thanks to one of the hardest working Lay Catholic stalwart defenders of the Faith in the UK, Tim Guile, Chair of the English Catholic History Association (ECHA), I wrote a review of this book on Our Lady of Muswell, with his support, which was published in their May 2023 newsletter, (page 10) :
Next up - equally wonderfully, Oxford Uni's world famous Bodleian's Library agreed to carry a copy of the May 2023 ECHA newsletter, to be listed on their public catalogue and accessible to the public.
Whilst spending this last year living an predominantly single room living based Divine Office Benedictine 'Ora' prayer life, balanced against a Benedictine 'Labora' of working long shifts as a Care Home cleaner, somehow, at the same time, God made me a published Oxfor Uni Library author.
What are the odd's of that? Seriously?
God's hand is defiantly in all this and I have taken it as definite confirmation that vocation wise, just as I am living out this vocation, I am infact doing exactly God's Will for me.
The news about Oxford Uni, also felt like the completion of another circle too. In an earlier blog I described the connection between Our Lady of Muswell and where I am currently living in Largs, Scotland. Namely, the first person to receive a miraculous cure from Our Lady of Muswell's 12th C Holy Well, was a Scottish King called Malcolm IV. He gifted the lands of Largs to a Alan of Galloway and this eventually passed onto his daughter Devourguillia, a name which means True Testimony in Gaelic. Devourguillia helped fund and found what is today, one of the oldest colleges in Oxford University, Balliol, where her portrait hangs to this day and is also listed in Oxford Uni's Bodleain library:
https://artuk.org/discover/artworks/dervorguilla-of-galloway-d-1290-lady-of-balliol-228671
Think about the odd's of that?
Yup. I got Holy Spirit vocation confirmations alright. And some.
I complete my 3rd year of formation, up here in Largs by this December 2023. After which I'll be moving back to London and eventually Muswell Hill to live the same Lay Benedictine Solitary vocation of Ora et Labora, as a see for the Holy Spirit to one day restore Our Lady of Muswell's Holy Well, Pilgrim Shrine and Benedictine Order of Nuns - even if I'm long gone to Heaven by then.
So did I learn anything new about God's Will for my Lay Benedictine Solitary Vocation, by re-reading the book on Our Lady of Muswell this year?
Yes, I did.
Not necessarily info that I hadn't read before but it really jumped off the page this year and I felt The Holy Spirit bring my attention to it.
I'm not the first 'seed', with a Benedictine connection, that God has used in His plan to restore this important 12th C Marian Shrine of Our Lady of Muswell.
At the time the wee, blue miracle book was written in 1933, there was a Third Order of Carmelite Nuns based in Muswell Hill, who had fled religious persecution in France and who's presence had been the Holy Spirit seed for a Catholic parish Church to be built again in Muswell Hill, in 1919. This miraculously allowed for Catholic Holy Mass to return to this hallowed ground, for the first time since the reformation. Those Carmelite Nuns arrived in 1904 and it took 15 years before their Holy Spirit seed of Restoration bore fruit.
Maybe this is what will happen in my case too? Maybe 15 years, or longer after I arrive, Our Lady of Muswell's Holy Well will be restored, the Pilgrims will return to the Shrine to drink its healing waters and all this will be cared for, once again by a newly founded order of Benedictine Nuns.
It may all happen long after I've gone to Heaven. That bit doesn't really matter. What matter's is that I give my 'Fiat' to God and 'do my bit'.
All I have to do, is exactly what those Carmelites did. The wee blue miracle book puts it beautifully:
"It remained for the Nuns of the Catholic Convent, now serving God on Muswell Hill, to revive the memory of the [Holy] Well and the ancient dedication to Our Lady of Muswell"
Revive the memory of the Holy Well and ancient dedication to Our Lady of Muswell. That's all I gotta do. And thanks to the Holy Spirit, looks like I've made a good start.
Deo Gratias! Ave Maria!
So what happened with that safeguarding Spiritual Abuse case, for the monastic order I left?
Any more good news?
Signing up to and complying with Church Safeguarding Policy
Well, if you remember my summary last year, following my 2022 Durham retreat, that within 18 months of leaving the monastic congregation, VAST numbers of other women came forward with their spiritual abuse testimonies to the Diocese and Indep Safeguarding teams. All spiritual abuse testimonies were consistent with mine and all related to the same evidence serial spiritual abuser Nun.
The abuse testimonies proved that this abuser Nun's abuse pattern was to psychologically/spiritually abuse women both inside the Enclosure and after they had left the congregation. The apparent goals seemed to have been to deliberately try to push a woman to mental / physical breaking point, so that she would loose her vocation, her Catholic Faith and even Will to live.
In my personal opinion, based on the vast numbers of often times shocking spiritual/psychological abuse testimonies of all these women, I now personally feel that there is a very high risk that this evidence based serial spiritual abuser Nun may well be a diagnosable mental health personality disorder, potentially even a congenital psychopath, which is actually a DNA related, organic brain damage disorder.
So what's the good news again?
Last year, as I mentioned because of the huge number of compatible spiritual abuse testimonies, the Diocese safeguarding teams began working with the newly founded Independent Safeguarding Teams, in Scotland and London, along with the Benedictine UK Congregation to start addressing safeguarding issues within that monastic order.
Under the coersive psychological control of the abuser Nun, that monastic order had been refusing to sign up to Catholic Church safeguarding policy. But after being threatened with admission sanctions, for the firt time in their history, this monastic congregation agreed to sign up and comply with the Churches Safeguarding policy.
All that happened last year - so have there been any signs of reform yet?
I think the answer that, wonderfully, is YES.
Hold onto your hats because it seems there is evidence that there has been a radical change in this monastic congregations Formation process. It looks like they are finally , actually following the normal Rule of Benedict guidelines.
Lets just recap for a minute...
Let's just remind ourselves of the bad ol' days, where it all started to go downhill for this monastic congregation because of this abuser Nun's internal influence and behaviour...
Going back to the 1990's for a moment, this evidence based spiritual abuser Nun abusive behaviour triggered the exodus of approx ~15 very senior and experienced perpetually professed Nuns. This was in response to this abuser Nuns attempts to manipulate/override/push out opponents of the congregations governing body, the General Council.
It seems that this abuser Nun clearly wanted to neutralise the normal Benedictine 'checks and balances' moderating function of that monastic General Council, and steer the General Council and the entire congregation towards her own personal, Dictatorship / cult.
Classic Personality Disorder behaviour.
What this abuser Nun wanted the General Council to do was to approve whatever she wanted them to approve and start building multiple international foundations. The General Council were against building multiple foundations until they had enough vocations to staff them. Once this abuser Nun had bullied/abused out all her rivals, she literally 'went to town' and built large numbers of overseas Foundations within a relatively short space of time.
Then the problems really started.
The ex-Nuns of the original General Council had been right. Building this number of international foundations, without enough vocations to properly staff them, was a huge mistake.
None of the new foundations attracted the expected numbers of hoped new vocations and as this abuser Nun was still bullying out any rival/out of favour Nun and a predominantly ageing congregation with not enough new / younger vocations coming in or lasting long term, this monastic congregation hit a crisis point.
When i was a Novice, I was told that since 2008, approx 200 women have also left the congregation. Many of them appear to have been spiritual abuse victims too. 2/3 rd's of the congregation have left since 2008. Something urgent had to be done before their international foundations were are risk of closure.
This was about the time that I entered the congregation. I personally feel that by this time, the congregation had stopped following the Rule of Benedict and had become the personal cult of this abuser Nun.
In order to try and get and then keep enough 'suitable' vocations, to try and staff all theses overseas foundations, under the coercive control of this abuser Nun on current congregation leaders, I believe I saw and experienced deliberate attempts to bring women to mental breaking point, in order to make them more 'manageable'/'docile', almost deliberately trying to disable women psychologically so they wouldn't be able to leave the congretaion, even if they wanted to.
I also personally experienced and witnessed the deliberate instilling of a sort of innate fear in congregation members, that would come to a 'bad end' if they left and also that leaving the congregation would be the same a leaving Jesus etc, etc...
This is the sort of coercive mind control/abuse you see in cults. This abusive behaviour has nothing at all to do with the normal, beautifull, Jesus centred Rule of Benedict balanced monastic formation.
It also appeared to me that there was a risk that this abuser Nun was deliberately opening international foundations in poor counties, with lots of vulnerable women, for the sole purpose of scooping up huge numbers of Postulants/Novices before trying to psychological "break" them, before shipping them off to oversea's foundation, often times putting them into long term positions in the kitchens. This is what I feel happened with their short lived Nigerian and South African monasteries.
I personally saw and heard about women who were clearly mentally/emotionally vulnerable, yet being encouraged - put under emotional pressure - all too quickly enter into full time live-in Postulancy / Novice stage.
A good example of this was when local Catholic's raised concerns to me about a Postulant who seemed to be struggling to make normal eye contact with Lay people connected to that monastery. This woman became a Novice but then ran away, making the local news. I also felt that there was a risk this run-away Novice was put under emotional pressure to return too quickly, within a week, but nothing could paper over this crack and eventually this women left the congregation completely.
So what's the good news? What's changed? Where is the evidence of Formation reform?
Well... I think there is good news. I think I can see eveidence of Formation reform in this monastic congregation.
Following a couple years of input from the Diocese, Indep Safeguarding teams and the Benedictine UK Congregation, it seems there is evidence this monastic congregation has gone back to following what it actually says in the Rule of Benedict.
The Rule of Benedict, clearly states that new entrants are to stay at the monastery Guesthouse at first - not to come and live straight inside the Enclosure with the whole community. And after that not to join the main monastery Enclosure Community but stay in the Novice quaters first.
The wisdom of the Rule of Benedict is about giving Aspirants some time to study the Rule of Benedict and experience various monastic 'trials' etc, before they or the monastery decide it's right for them to enter the Enclosure and progress through the Postulant and Novice stage to fully join the community.
So, what's new? What's this good news of possible signs of monastic Reform?
This year, local Catholic's have informed me that there are two oversea's women, already oblates of the monastery, who have been living for ?over a year in the Motherhouse Monastery guesthouse. Apprently they were recently transferred to another foundation but are still living in the monastery guesthouse and only entering the Enclosure to complete assigned garden duties, at certain times of the day.
This is potentially great news!
Are we seeing possible signs of reform in this monastic order within two years of all our spiritual abuse testimonies coming forward to the Diocese & Indep safeguarding teams?
Is this an indication that the positive, normal, Benedictine UK congress, working closing with Diocese and Safeguarding teams is now a greater influence on the current Mother General than the ex-Mother General abuser Nun who is still in the congregation???
I certainly give thanks for these encouraging signs of reform and keep on praying!
Ok, so this brings us the the next topic. What this last year has really all been about. The first year, after I left the monastery was all about focusing on this abuser Nuns spiritrual abuse pattern inside the Enclosure.
This last year has all been about enduring and exposing this abuser Nun's post congregation psychological abuse of women, after they leave the congregation.
Post Congregation Abuse
Dealing with all this is what that last year has really been all about for me.
Spiritual Abuse testimonies from other ex-Nuns stated that there were ex-Nuns willing to give eye witness testimonies that this abuser Nun ordered them to use congregation funds to pay for private covert and overt surveillance on women who left the congregation - especially those who raised safeguarding concerns.
These eye witness ex-Nuns also report that this abuser Nun ordered them to obtain private, personal information about ex-members through illegal means.
The point of this abuser Nun's post congregation abuse pattern is 3 fold:
- To find out what the ex-congregation member is telling Church authorities, so they can prepare their defence
- To get information real/fake or exaggerated in order to slander & defame the character of an ex-congregation member so the Church will not listen to her / believe her/support her vocation / support her generally
- To inflict psychological stress on an ex-congregation member with the hopes it will have a knock on negative impact in all areas of a woman's life and push that woman to a mental breaking point where she will hopefully loose her vocation / Faith / will to live etc...
Yup.
As incredulous as it sounds, this actually happened to so many women who left this monastic congregation.
This has happened to me.
Now the level of criminality I have experienced is actually enough for me to take my case through the Civil Courts. But I'm not going to do that because it seems to me that this abuser Nun, consistent with the behaviour pattern of a congenital psychopath, may have tried to involve Church members in my post congregation abuse as a deliberate way to cause scandal for the Church and Pope Francis and also to ensure the Church does not retire her out of the congregation.
This is when that Bible quote kept coming to me and I started to use it all the time.
Exodus 22:22-23
" You shall not mistreat any widow or fatherless child. If you do mistreat them, and they cry out to me, I will surely hear their cry"
So that's basically what I did. I cried out to God. And boy o boy, did God hear my cry.
Something wonderfully symbolic happened this year in the Catholic Church. An elderly Cardinal died. He was one of the most powerfull, highest ranked in the Vatican. Amongst all the much good he had surely done during his Ecclesiastical career, he had at the same time, a bit of a reputation for being a Church abuse 'cover-up' expert - being potentially more clericalism orientated than abuse survivor orientated. As a Novice I saw photo's of when this Cardinal had visited the congregation and I am not sure if the abuser Nun considered him a Church ally, they both came from neighbouring countries and there may have been a possible kinship tie. Lets not name any names, let's call him the Cardinal of Christmas Past.
At the same time, this year, a much younger, rising star Priest, drenched in Jesus centred integrity, transparency, evidence based excellence and care for the most marginalised, pubically resigned from a very senior Vatican safeguarding post - and also came out pubically with his Vatican safeguarding operational concerns. He basically risked his entire Ecclesiastical career to stand on the Poor Man's side. Let's not name any names here either, let's call him the Good Priest.
Well, after this Good Priest resigned from an influential Vatican safeguarding commision and continued working in another very effective & influential Church safeguarding leadership role, I started to cc him into all the emails I was exchanging and getting stonewalled in, with the Diocese and Indep Safeguarding teams and Church hierarchy.
My communications with the Diocese and Indep safeguarding teams, essentially boiled down to calling for this abuser Nun to be retired out of the congregation - only way forward.
I shared everything with this good Priest, including all the possible post congregation criminality which I believe is all tracible back to this abuser Nun and her coercive control over current congregation leaders and others in the Church.
Personality Disorder mental health patients often abuse a target by recruiting others to do the 'dirty work' for them. In Psychiatric terms these abuse 'helpers' are called 'Flying Monkeys', like the flying monkeys used by the Wicked Witch in the Wizard of Oz story. 'Flying Monkey' individuals are often very vulnerable individuals themselves, more often than not suffering from some form of Sociopathy themselves, potentially related to experiencing trauma in their own lifes, and making them an easy target for a psychopath personality type to recruit.
Anyway....
Once I started to cc in this Good Priest to my emails, that's when things started to really move and improve.
There's a great psychology experiment called the Asch Line Study and its what happened when the Good Priest was cc'd into my Church/Diocese/Indep safeguarding team emails.
Basically, to cut a very long story short, this abuser Nun, like Herodias, was using her Coersive control/manipulation of current congregation leaders to groom other Church members to join in and collude in my post congregation psychological abuse.
At first this abuser Nun managed to manipulate certain Church members to go along with her by selling me as an "enemy of the state" type of thing, which then morphed into trying to convince other Church members to collude in post congregation psychological abuse towards me under the Faux Benevolence banner of it really being about "helping me".
Because this abuser Nun thought there was a risk I was about to found a new order of Benedictine Nuns, made up of her ex-congregation spiritual abuse survivors, this abuser Nun really went for it, in terms of the post congregation spiritual abuse directed towards me - she really scraped the bottom of the moral barrel, in all her post congregation 'revenge'.
Anyway, the whole thing blew up spectacularly in her own face.
Once the Good Priest started to get involved, after seeing what was happening in my case, the impact was just like of that, in the Asch psychology experiment. Suddenly, those in the monastic Congregation and the Church who had let themselves get sucked into this abuser Nuns 'Mad Hatters Tea Party Tornado', of targeted post congregational psychological abuse towards me... suddenly saw their own reflection in the integrity mirror of the Good Priest and felt ashamed, even embarrassed.
This abuser Nun would NEVER, in a million years be able to recruit the Good Priest to go along with any of her crazy schemes that were really about psychologically gang abusing one of her "enemies" which she is trying to sell as a Church enemy.
That's because the Good Priest is normal, Jesus centred and therefore full of incorruptible integrity and evidence based competency.
You see, this abuse Nun, whom I personally believe to be a congenital psychopath, is a sort of 'killer', if you like.
Serious Personality Disorder types don't just 'kill off' people with a clean single bullet. They are the types that prefer torture. Queen Elizabeth's Topcliff is a classic historical psychopath. I believe this abuser Nun is a psychopath too and I belive the way she prefers to abuse people / 'take out' perceived 'enemies' is not a clean bullet to the head but a very long, slow, drawn out attempt to psychologically torture someone.
I have spoke to a couple of ex-Prioresses, from the same monastic congregation who also gave their spiritual abuse testimonies and their stories reflect this abuse pattern. Both were deliberately driven to the point of suicide, by this abuser Nun. This is how dangerous this abuser Nun is. This is why she should be removed from that congregation.
Anyway, just as this abuser Nun seems to prefer slow, deliberate, drawn out, psychological abuse of women, after they leave the congregation, she also seems to enjoy psychologically abusing the very congregation and Church members she has recruited to be her flying monkeys.
You have to think of psychopaths as not being a hand gun but a nail bomb. Personality disorder individuals, like this abuser Nun are out to hurt as many people as they can, all at once. A psychopath will think nothing of throwing one of their own groomed 'flying monkeys' under the bus, in order to try and save their own necks.... and even more troubling than that... simply for their own amusement.
Anyway....
This last year has been all about trying to expose all the post congregation abuse I have experienced, which is very much a part of this abuser Nuns abuse pattern on other ex-Nuns too.
So, the miracle of this year is that with the death of Cardinal Christmas Past and the rise of the influence of Jesus cantered, normal cleric's, like the Good Priest, the safeguarding clericalism culture in the Catholic Church, is beginning to self-implode.
How great was it to see the Catholic Church abuse survivor organisation Loud Fence be invited to the Installation of the new Bishop of Hexham and an actual abuse survivor given free reign to speak frankly from the pulpit?
And then finally this year, the cherry on the cake of Catholic Church safeguarding reform, was The Holy Fathers anti-clericalism statement, directly on his return from spending silent time before Our Lady of Fatima, at her Shrine in Portugal during WYD 2023. The text is in Italian but its worth cut and pasting it into Google Translate.
Will the Church now retire this abuser Nun out of the congregation?
Will the church every get a grip of its decades long culture of abuse and cover up?
Will the Church Pews, Catecism classes, Baptism fonts, Marriage registers, Novitiate, Seminaries and Monasteries be filled to bursting every again?
Exodus 22:22-23
The Truth of Jesus, the True Nature of God, is to always stand on the poor man's side, to be the Good Shepherd of the flock - not for personal gain but because of Agape Love for Jesus who gave His life so that our sins may be forgiven.
We keep on praying.
Overall, I'd say it's actually been a rather good year:)
Viva Papa!
Commenti